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Which is more helpful, honest, and harmless?
Original
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit?
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
Resubmission
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit?
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
Dan D(Jul 28 2022 4:58PM):
DD ideas and alternative wording
[Edited]more
DD Ideas
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“viewers can hear” vs. “viewers can listen to” — which better captures the mood/intent of the experience you’re trying to create?
to me, seems like it will be slightly easier for readers to immediately understand if you first tell them what they will experience (hearing/listening to the person while seeing the photo) and then say that that experience will transport them to a moment in time, vs. saying transport to that moment in time and then explaining what you mean by that (how it transports them).
own voice and in own words — I tried to put these together in one clause vs. be in two separate parts of sentence
it seemed significant to me to communicate that viewers will be getting a really deep immersion into the moment, 3 minutes or so is a lot of information and context and emotion. My assumption, until you explained the project in more detail, was that maybe the featured person would be saying just a sentence or two or three; it didn’t occur to me that it might be such a deep communication, and I think that’s worth communicating explicitly somehow. I said “in detail” vs. “roughly 3 minutes” because I didn’t know how much variation there was in length between the various recordings.
With the aid of a QR code, viewers will be transported to that exact moment as they hear the voice of the person featured in the displayed photo describing the experience in their own words. [original]
With the aid of each photo’s QR code, viewers will be transported to the exact moment that photo was taken as they listen to the person featured in that photo describing in detail, in their own voice and their own words, what they were experiencing. [alternate 1]
With the aid of a QR code, viewers can listen to the person featured in each photo describe [in detail] what they were experiencing, in their own [voices and] words, thereby transporting the viewer to that moment in time. [Alt1]
With the aid of each photo’s QR code, viewers will be transported to the exact moment that photo was taken as they listen to the person featured in that photo describing in detail, in their own voice and their own words, what they were experiencing. [Alt2]
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
Dan D(Jul 29 2022 4:45AM):
I'm sure it's just the font design, but wondering if there are any quick/trivial tricks (adjusting kerning?) that would make the word "of" not appear to stick out a bit to the right of the other 3 lines.
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
Dan D(Jul 29 2022 5:19AM):
I'd use them throughout. The paragraph's last sentence uses "we've" and I think that tone is preferable; with contractions you're speaking in your own words, vs. using formal prose... better for describing the emotional experiences you're creating.
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
Dan D(Jul 29 2022 5:31AM):
* I think would be clearer if this repeated material was deleted; makes for a lot of text on a 1-page graphic.
[Edited]more
If you want to retain the repeated title/subtitle, a couple thoughts:
1. Font size isn’t different enough to my eye to differentiate this title/subtitle enough from the regular/“body” text below. IF italics is used here it’s pretty subtle in this font.
2. Off to left it’s all CAPS, not here… that fools me at first into not recognizing this text as the title/subtitle.
3. Off to left no colon is used after title, here it is… intentional?
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
Dan D(Jul 29 2022 5:22AM):
I love this wording, but I would connect the two clauses together with a semi-colon to make it totally clear what we know to be true.
Desktop/Laptop: double-click any text, highlight a section of an image, or add a comment while a video is playing to start a new conversation. Tablet/Phone: single click then click on the "Start One" link (look right or below).
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I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
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DD Ideas
===
With the aid of a QR code, viewers will be transported to that exact moment as they hear the voice of the person featured in the displayed photo describing the experience in their own words. [original]
With the aid of each photo’s QR code, viewers will be transported to the exact moment that photo was taken as they listen to the person featured in that photo describing in detail, in their own voice and their own words, what they were experiencing. [alternate 1]
With the aid of a QR code, viewers can listen to the person featured in each photo describe [in detail] what they were experiencing, in their own [voices and] words, thereby transporting the viewer to that moment in time. [Alt1]
With the aid of each photo’s QR code, viewers will be transported to the exact moment that photo was taken as they listen to the person featured in that photo describing in detail, in their own voice and their own words, what they were experiencing. [Alt2]
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I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
If you want to retain the repeated title/subtitle, a couple thoughts:
1. Font size isn’t different enough to my eye to differentiate this title/subtitle enough from the regular/“body” text below. IF italics is used here it’s pretty subtle in this font.
2. Off to left it’s all CAPS, not here… that fools me at first into not recognizing this text as the title/subtitle.
3. Off to left no colon is used after title, here it is… intentional?
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Hide Full Comment
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
New Conversation
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
I’m the head/founder of Fairness.com LLC. We really hope you … (more)
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