Comments by Hayden Davis Most recent public comments by Hayden Davis https://nowcomment.com/users/159413 I think this is a really good epilogue. A story like this really benefits from all the closure you are able to provide. https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546481 https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546481 Fri, 12 Sep 2025 20:29:23 -0400 Awesome imagery https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546480 https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546480 Fri, 12 Sep 2025 20:27:51 -0400 I like that the flowers have human manerisms, I think it would be helpful for the audience to understand what these interactions between the flowers actually look like from a human perspective. https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546479 https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546479 Fri, 12 Sep 2025 20:26:35 -0400 Phrasing is a little off here https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546477 https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546477 "I could tolerate the pained sounds and groans of the other flowers; it was the..." Just an idea of an alternative way to phrase it. Fri, 12 Sep 2025 20:24:34 -0400 This is really cool. I like that you had a sort of buffer between the human and flower versions of the protagonist. It's cool to let the audience make sense of the situation along with the protagonist. https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546476 https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546476 Fri, 12 Sep 2025 20:21:46 -0400 I think you did a good job at maintaining the tension needed for this moment to register with readers. You might consider a line break here to emphasize the scream. https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546475 https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546475 Fri, 12 Sep 2025 20:18:57 -0400 Run-on https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546474 https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546474 I really like the imagery here. I think phrasing the brother standing over her as "casting a shadow" would help reader comprehension and fix the run-on. Fri, 12 Sep 2025 20:14:48 -0400 Narrator change? https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546459 https://nowcomment.com/documents/405911?scroll_to=3546459 I think this intro is very well written, but I'd try and stick to one POV for a story like this, or play around with the intro and signal that the narrator has switched. Fri, 12 Sep 2025 20:12:06 -0400