Comments by Riakeem Kelley Most recent public comments by Riakeem Kelley https://nowcomment.com/users/2112 Overall. https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56109 https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56109 I think you actually spend a little too much time on the descriptions and characterizations of your two people in dialogue. As I mentioned above, the waitress doesn't belong in the scene, and I think in that moment we can get some more meaningful dialogue from the two characters that doesn't necessarily characterize them but moves the plot along in a meaningful way. Your twist was good, if not predictable because of your title, but overall I enjoy it. Your matter-of-factly tone fit in the pocket for me. Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:23 -0500 I agree https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56101 https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56101 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:23 -0500 The interrupting waitress https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56100 https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56100 When she comes, she interrupts the dialogue between John and Mr. Potensky. It is a good way to characterize John, but I don't feel it belongs in this scene. Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:23 -0500 It only makes me wonder the year, dennys did open in the 50s https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56099 https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56099 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:23 -0500 the times seem a bit off to me. I get that it is 11 in the morning but that feels weird to me for them to be having this type of interaction at this time of day. Also, you follow it with 9 and I thought that at first it was 11 at night, so I would be care https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56096 https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56096 ful with that. Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:23 -0500 I'm laughing so hard at this. Characterizes John Doe in a neat way. https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56095 https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56095 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:23 -0500 Comma of direct address. Place a comma after Bob. https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56094 https://nowcomment.com/documents/8014?scroll_to=56094 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:23 -0500 Overall https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41117 https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41117 I like the scene a lot. It moves quickly and I get the sense that these two are fighting and there are high stakes at risk. However, I wanted to know more about Rick. Gonzalez was purely antagonist, and I wondered why the were fighting and whether or not that was important. There are a lot of moments where you can include more information about the characters thoughts. I wanted to know why they were fighting. What is Rick fighting for? what's at stake for Rick if he wins or looses? (What does he get after he beats Gonzalez after discovering his week point)? I also would like to know how I can relate to Rick. I feel like he represents over coming obstacles in this scene, but how is that relate-able to me as a person. Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:22 -0500 I agree https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41090 https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41090 I like the comment about it being a bad sign. He is fighting this guy that he has no apparent chance of beating. You do a good job with building the tension, and it reads like I am listening to a boxing match on the radio. At moments the description is a bit too drawn out for me, but I like the description a lot. Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:22 -0500 rock, i mean rick https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41071 https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41071 you get my point Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:22 -0500 I agree https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41069 https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41069 I would like to see how he is reacting to these things. Also, how do his thoughts affect his fighting. Does he over think? That could be a character flaw. My main thing now is I want to care about this character and think of him as more than a fighter. Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:22 -0500 To add https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41060 https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41060 I think dance works really well once, but looses power the second time. Maybe use dodges, shifts, or something other than dance twice. Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:22 -0500 s after arm, I think https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41055 https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41055 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:22 -0500 I always wondered if they could talk through these things. I like this line a lot https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41049 https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41049 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:22 -0500 fight, gentlemen https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41042 https://nowcomment.com/documents/4974?scroll_to=41042 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 10:36:22 -0500