Comments by Haylee Ferguson Most recent public comments by Haylee Ferguson https://nowcomment.com/users/86699 Remember not to use contractions. https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184834 https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184834 Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:54:41 -0600 I would try to incorporate a hook so you gain your audiences full attention in the beginning. https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184821 https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184821 Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:53:24 -0600 I am glad you included the definition about cookies because I was unfamiliar with what they are https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184812 https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184812 Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:52:46 -0600 you have a thorough topic to write a good essay off of, but what is your thesis and what is your stance? Just remember this is arguing a position, not an informative essay. https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184801 https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184801 Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:51:27 -0600 this is a good way to conclude your intro paragraph, it provides strong details and sensory language https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184789 https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184789 Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:50:16 -0600 instead of saying "we" try rewriting it as "How can individuals prevent this from happening?" https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184782 https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184782 Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:49:29 -0600 make sure you site a source here later since you have included a definition https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184768 https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184768 Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:48:25 -0600 maybe delete this because i don't really think it adds anything to your essay https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184763 https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184763 Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:47:33 -0600 connect this to your first sentence with a comma https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184762 https://nowcomment.com/documents/240606?scroll_to=2184762 Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:46:49 -0600