The Problem with Haters
1 additions to document , most recent over 4 years ago
| When | Why |
|---|---|
| Oct-05-19 | Don't use "ugh" in essays. Transitions are needed. Don't use ALL CAPS, instead say "chocolate is so amazing..." also capitalize "I" |
3 changes, most recent over 4 years ago
The Problem with Haters
By Katie Bennett
some people dont like chocolate and i think theyre stupid they dont have any good taste i mean seriously how can you not just love it?!! it's the most delicious thing on the entire universe. everytime i hear someone say they dont like chocolate i just want to curl up in a ball and sob. its a real problem, they are. oh, haha, i sound like yoda.
Paragraph 4 changes
anyways there are so many things that are made out of chocolate that are so wonderful. they even made a movie about it. it was called charlie and the chocolate factory. i loved that movie! do you like movies?? one of my favorite movies it the avengers. hulk is so adorable. tony stark is super sarcastic.
Paragraph 5 changes
ugh, im getting so off topic!!! so sorry about that, you must be so annoyed with me. CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE IS SO AMAZING, IM LIKE THAT FISH FROM SPONGEBOB. OMG THAT WAS SUCH A FUNNY EPISODE UGH STOP IT YOU NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK. oh no not you reader i was talking to myself through text which is really weird.
ugh, im getting so off topic!!! so sorry about that, you must be so annoyed with me.
CHOCOLATE IS SO AMAZING, IM LIKE THAT FISH FROM SPONGEBOB.
OMG THAT WAS SUCH A FUNNY EPISODE UGH STOP IT YOU NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK. oh no not you reader i was talking to myself through text which is really weird.
Paragraph 6 changes
lets start a new paragraph for new stuff. there are many different types of chocolate including white chocolate. alot of people who dont like brown chocolate like white chocolate. is that racist? can you be racist with chocolate or would that be something else like chocolist? i ask the real questions.
what i dont approve of is putting a whole bunch of peanut butter and only a little chocolate together. thats just grody and wrong. its like trying to swallow a brick which ive never done btw, but ya know its just a figure of speech. the whole point is that not liking chocolate makes me feel sad because you are missing out on a whole world of wonderfulness and happiness and amazingness and CHOCOLATE!!
Added October 05, 2019 at 11:12am
by Student Dediu
(suggested by Student Dediu)
Title: Don't use "ugh" in essays. Transitions are needed. Don't use ALL CAPS, instead say "chocolate is so amazing..." also capitalize "I"
The text below is the previous wording for paragraph 5 (click to return there).
ugh, im getting so off topic!!! so sorry about that, you must be so annoyed with me. CHOCOLATE IS SO AMAZING, IM LIKE THAT FISH FROM SPONGEBOB. OMG THAT WAS SUCH A FUNNY EPISODE UGH STOP IT YOU NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK. oh no not you reader i was talking to myself through text which is really weird.
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Poor grammar. Capitalize “S” in some. Many uncapitalized words, punctuation errors, and no clear thesis statement.
What could have been a better word choice for, “every time I hear someone say they don’t like chocolate I want to curl up in a ball and sob?”
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anyways there are so many things that are made out of chocolate that are so wonderful. they even made a movie about it. it was called charlie and the chocolate factory. i loved that movie! do you like movies?? one of my favorite movies it the avengers. hulk is so adorable. tony stark is super sarcastic.
Reason: I suggest you revise this sentence. Capitalize at beginning of sentences. Capitalize "I" and capitalize movie titles. EX: "It was called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
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ugh, im getting so off topic!!! so sorry about that, you must be so annoyed with me. CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE IS SO AMAZING, IM LIKE THAT FISH FROM SPONGEBOB. OMG THAT WAS SUCH A FUNNY EPISODE UGH STOP IT YOU NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK. oh no not you reader i was talking to myself through text which is really weird.
Reason: Don't use "ugh" in essays. Transitions are needed. Don't use ALL CAPS, instead say "chocolate is so amazing..." also capitalize "I"
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lets start a new paragraph for new stuff. there are many different types of chocolate including white chocolate. alot of people who dont like brownchocolate like white chocolate. is that racist? can you be racist with chocolate or would that be something else like chocolist? i ask the real questions.
Reason: REVISE: use transition words. "Next, to further elaborate, secondly"
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Poor conclusion. Proofread, change sentence structures, and try to tie essay together by touching upon essay’s main points.
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General Document Comments 0
This essay needs lots of revision. Grammatical errors are very persistent throughout essay and it is very unclear and unprofessional. No thesis makes it very chaotic and messy, hard to follow along with.
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Grammar mistakes, no structure, poor paragraphs. Overall, this essay did not flow and was unclear. Also improve word choice.
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