Firstly, your writing is concise and purposeful, which is a big strength. To quote from your introduction, “I find myself constantly pushing the envelope and exploring the world of art in the most unique and fascinating ways.” This sentence showcases your enthusiasm and eagerness to explore, which will serve you well in a college setting.

A couple of areas that could be improved are the development of your ideas and your use of sensory detail. For instance, when you discuss acting and creating imaginary scenes, you might explore in deeper detail why exactly this captivates you so much. You could talk about a specific scene you’ve imagined and how you develop the characters and the setting. When you talk about your fashion business, you might give some more detail about the practical aspects of running it.

Secondly, when analyzing your text from the perspective of the five senses: seeing, tasting, smelling, hearing, and touching – seeing and touching are quite evident. For instance, “In my head I imagine a camera ready to film everyday scenarios” provides a visual element to your essay; it helps us see what you see. Describing how creating an outfit allows you a creative outlet gives us a sense of the tactile experience.

But you could incorporate more of the other three senses to make your story come alive even more. For instance, you could describe the taste of the air when you’re outside sourcing for materials to sell. You could talk about the smell of new clothes or the ding that your phone makes when you make a sale (hearing). These examples give your essay more depth and sensory richness which will help to create a more immersive experience for your readers.

Remember, you want the admissions officers to experience the world as you do when you’re exploring your creativity in acting and fashion. When recounting your experiences, take them on a journey by incorporating more sensory details. This will make your writing even more compelling.

Would a Thinking Partner be like a shoulder partner in a Kagan structure? Did you have students roleplay as college admissions officers?

Firstly, I must compliment your excellent storytelling skills and your ability to use expressive, vivid language. Your strengths clearly lie in your ability to paint a picture with your words. Phrases like “I find myself constantly pushing the envelope and exploring the world of art in the most unique and fascinating ways” are vibrant and engaging. It’s hard not to be captured by the enthusiasm in your writing.

Moreover, you do a stunning job of infusing your personal experiences with your broader interests, creating a powerful, unique perspective. The blend of real-world experiences and your imaginative approach offers an evocative, engaging perspective.

One area that you might work on is emphasizing more directly the lessons you’ve learned and demonstrating how they have prepared you for your future academic and career plans. For instance, while you tell us about the enjoyment you found in acting and fashion, it could strengthen your essay to link these experiences more strongly to your development, your values, and your future plans. This connection will give admissions staff a clearer sense of why these experiences have been so formative and meaningful to you. Definitely, don’t lose that strong narrative voice you have, but consider grabbing the reader’s attention and making them reflect on the importance of these experiences with a bit more strength.

To see this in practice, you might consider some changes to your conclusion. Here, you could expand upon the broader implications of your essay topic effectively. For instance, when you express your interest in the business side of fashion, you might also want to dive into how this viewpoint has shaped your sense of self and informed your future goals. This could also be an opportunity to redefine a term used previously — perhaps reinterpreting the concept of “creativity” as shown in your personal and professional life. Show why this attribute makes you stand out.

Consider linking your conclusion back to your introduction to create a sense of balance. Perhaps the introductory Scott Adams quote can be reiterated in a new light, given the experiences and reflections you’ve gathered throughout your exploration.

Remember to avoid summarizing the body paragraphs explicitly. Instead, use the conclusion as a platform to bring fresh insight into your experiences and beliefs. Finally, leave your readers — the admissions staff — with a strong impression. Show them how your unique experiences and perspectives will contribute richly to the University of Michigan’s vibrant student body.

You have a compelling story and a passionate voice, both of which are tremendous assets. With a little more emphasis on the broader implications of your experiences and added links between your past, present, and future, your essay will be even stronger. You’re on a wonderful track; keep refining!