Analyzing College Narrative Essays
Review and evaluate both college essays. I didn't make any changes to the grammar, so there are a few mistakes; however, Grammarly was not an option while I was in college or high school and no teachers offered to review our essays before submission. I used what I had. Now you must use all the tools you have to make your essay exceptional. Use Grammarly and/or Brainfuse to correct all of your grammar errors.
I applied to 10 colleges so I would have better odds at receiving a full scholarship. I managed to get two full scholarships and nearly full rides to the other 5 colleges. Three colleges didn't accept me. I included one of them on this page along with one college that offered me a full ride. Let's see if you can tell the difference based on the essays.
Evaluate these essays, and see if you could have helped little junior me. Remember, a strong college narrative essay needs to:
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capture the reader's attention
- How do I create suspense?
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show instead of tell
- Analyze my use of indirect characterization and direct characterization to reveal my personality and the personality of other's mentioned (Stronger essays rely more on indirect characterization)
- Evaluate my tone. How can you tell how I feel throughout the essay?
- Evaluate the mood. If I make you (the reader) feel something, how do I do it? If it has little effect on your mood, what's missing?
- Evaluate my use of figurative language and descriptive language
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flow/be well organized
- Do I include unneccessary details or details that don't see related?
- Do I list a bunch of facts or events?
- Is the story progression is to follow and interesting?
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connect your story with the reason you want to attend college
- By the end of my essay, how would you describe me?
- Does my essay match the prompt?
- Does my essay explain why I want to attend college?
- How does my conclusion connect to the intro?
Instead of making one or two super long comments, to address everything, try to make small comments as you go and even reply to your peers if you agree/disagree with their evaluations. The more you spend time evaluating these essays, the better you may be at evaluating your own.
ESSAY #1
Prompt: Student's Choice College: University of Michigan
My Introduction:
For the past two years I have been in an ongoing battle with Alzheimer’s. Both of us have been fighting for control of my great grandmother’s memory; I have been trying to get her to hold on to her memories, while it has been trying to steal them away. Needless to say, Alzheimer’s has been winning, but recently I had my desired breakthrough.
My Conclusion:
I have not won my battle with Alzheimer’s, nor have I lost because while she may not know it, my grandmother has taught me to cherish every moment, every song, and every hug that we are given. Because of her, I strive to be a better friend, sister, daughter, and granddaughter. And though at times things might seem frightening, I know I can overcome all my obstacles. One value my grandmother stressed was education, and as I approach on this new journey I hold her close to my heart, remembering that life is not a right; it is our blessing and I plan to make the most of mine.
ESSAY #2
Prompt: What are the unique qualities of Northwestern — and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying — that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?
College: Northwestern
The breeze sang a sweet melodic welcome, while the ducks quacked a request that I stay and the savory aroma of food made my mouth crave to taste life at Northwestern for the next four years of my life. While it would appear to most that I was only taking a tour of Northwestern’s campus with my family, I was occupied with getting acquainted with the scenery and planning the best way to get my belongings into the dorm rooms. I had been dancing with the thought of Northwestern for months, but my tour of the campus this July made me fall hopelessly in love with the school.
I do not know when my love for Northwestern first began to blossom, but I am almost positive it began when I received my first piece of Northwestern mail at the beginning of my junior year. “Bailey! You have colleges already accepting you,” my grandmother exclaimed. She had already opened my mail and called her closest friends to tell them of my presumed acceptance. From that day forward, I have received many “acceptance letters”, but Northwestern remains the university that I pray will one day send me their real acceptance letter. I have never been able to fully explain to my grandmother that I have not been accepted into a school as of yet, but I understand her excitement. Few people in my family have been able to attend or finish college; so from a young age, graduating from college has not only been my personal goal, but a goal for my entire family.
When my aunt told me about her experience at Northwestern, I clung to her every word and appreciated everything she had to tell me. However, nothing felt as magical as when I stepped on the campus for myself.
Not only does Northwestern have a beautiful campus, but the opportunities and activities it offers are endless. Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences is not only alluring because it is (as the University’s website states) “one of the most prestigious departments” our country offers, but because I will be able to participate and conduct research. The fact that I would be able to take numerous classes such as dance without it being a requirement for my major is also very intriguing. I also hope to engage in other aspects the school offers such as athletics, theatre, dance, Greek life, cuisine and “the rock”.
How do you justify yourself to a room full of people that their school runs through your veins when hundreds of other students are attempting to do the exact same thing? Well, the truth is that I cannot. Despite the sweet taste Northwestern leaves in my mouth or the warm feeling I feel deep in my soul whenever I think about my life at Northwestern, our vast English language has yet to formulate the words to express my love for the university. However if given the opportunity, not only would I prove that I belong, but the campus and the ducks would be better off with me there.
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As I began reading, the word “Alzheimer,” got my attention and I became interested in how they deal with it.
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As I was reading the first sentence Alzheimer was the first word I saw and I thought the author was going through it. It kept me intrigued to keep reading and it was a good hook.
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