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Ritza Kellie Servilus's Memoir-- The Lucky Girl

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Ritza Kellie Servilus

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09/27/2021

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Prof Laura Clarke

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The Lucky Girl

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People told me that I was lucky to have survive such tragic occurrences at such a young age, but then again they were completely right about being lucky. The bed I was laying on the wall completely fell over the bed. It was a Tuesday afternoon, on the 12 of January 2010 back in Haiti, sunny as usual, the weather was really nice. I was 6 turning 7, eight days before my birthday. Laying down on this twin size bed with my head hanging of the bed, in which my red hair was full of braids in different sections, each section have a royal blue twinbead in it that’s how little girls usually do their hair for school, while my feet on the wall, talking and listening to the audio with my older neighbor who used to babysit me when my aunt is not home from her store, I was always with her so she can keep an eye on me.

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Oct 4
Madison Torres Madison Torres (Oct 04 2021 10:58AM) : The introduction is well stated. It gives the reader a glimpse of what to expect during the reading.
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Oct 8
Dr Laura Clarke Dr Laura Clarke (Oct 08 2021 8:23AM) : Take out the "but" (as this signifies you're going to say something opposite) and start with "they were completely right"
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This specific day my aunt got home earlier than usual, she called me from upstairs in our apartment asking for my lesson. Scared because I didn't really study as much, pretty much looked at the lesson and then went back to play. When I went upstairs to her give her the lesson, she said she will the chores while I say what I learned from the lesson. In Haiti when studied for school, studied the three pages lesson by memorized, remember everything because once you go back to school tomorrow and get ready for a quiz in whatever class you take.

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Oct 8
Dr Laura Clarke Dr Laura Clarke (Oct 08 2021 8:25AM) : You need more subjects in your sentences -- "I was scared because I didn't really study..." "In Haiti when we studied for school, we studied the three..."
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Next thing we knew everything was shaking violently, glasses breaking from inside the cabinets, things falling on the floor. I didn't know what was happening, since we live on the second floors and the first thought that pop into my head was that I need to run and go downstairs, that’s exactly what I went to do which was to run to the stairs to get to the first floor, my aunt grabbed me reminding me that the stairs were not safe enough to go down, I just stand next to the cream pillar that in the room where we at, I was wearing this Black and white dress with pink bubbles on it was giving this cool ombre look to the dress, tied I the back. While the whole house was shaking violently, I tied myself to the pole so I can stand straight without tripping. Start calling out to Jesus like I always see people do whenever they pray when something happens. My house is a two floor me and my family live upstairs while someone else is renting the floor below us. Every house in Haiti is build different because you have to buy your own land to build your house because in Haiti the government doesn’t fund those things.

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Oct 4
Madison Torres Madison Torres (Oct 04 2021 10:27AM) : I see the literary element that works best with your writing is imagery.
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Oct 8
Dr Laura Clarke Dr Laura Clarke (Oct 08 2021 8:25AM) : Great descriptive language here!
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Oct 8
Dr Laura Clarke Dr Laura Clarke (Oct 08 2021 8:31AM) : Watch out for run-on-sentences and comma splices here. Check out how to fix these at this website:https://owl.excelsior.edu/grammar-essentials/common-errors/common-errors-run-on-sentences/
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Oct 8
Dr Laura Clarke Dr Laura Clarke (Oct 08 2021 8:31AM) : Put the subject here "I started calling out to Jesus..."
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During this whole chaos, bricks was flying off the building in front of us since it was in mid-construction, we had to stay in the house for a good 30 minute before the earthquake come to a stop. People from the neighborhood yelling and crying for Jesus, it was chaos everywhere. In the mist of all the chaos my older cousin was still sleeping in his room not knowing what happening. After the earthquake for a short period of time we walk in the dining room, the hutch which in Haitian creole we called a “china cabinet” it’s a furniture that is made up of two part, the lower part of is a cabinet it has all the plates they use only when they had visitors and the top part is made of glass shelves that had all different fancy glasses from mugs and teacups to champagne and wine glasses was tilted on the chairs.

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Oct 8
Dr Laura Clarke Dr Laura Clarke (Oct 08 2021 8:32AM) : Great descriptive language. I feel like I can see the whole scene!
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Checking the damage inside the house while we trying to cross all the broken glass, my aunt realize that my cousin Bertony was still asleep. She started talking to him, while I’m dragging my feet behind her. My cousin woke up from his nap seeing everything on the floor, he just looks at us. Then he was like still in shocked stated:

Checking the damage inside the house while we trying to cross all the broken glass, my aunt realize that my cousin Bertony was still asleep. She started talking to him, while I’m dragging my feet behind her. My cousin woke up from his nap seeing everything on the floor, he just looks at us. Then he was still in shocked stated:

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Oct 4
Madison Torres Madison Torres (Oct 04 2021 10:39AM) : change the term "like" to states or my cousin stated.
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Oct 4
Madison Torres Madison Torres (Oct 04 2021 10:55AM) : This is where the rising of the situation occurs. This is very descriptive and allows the reader to visualize what's happening. [Edited]

“Sak rive la? koman sa fe tonbe?” (What happen in here? How did this thing fall over)

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My aunt just responds: “Leve ti gason ou pa we se tranbleman” (boy get up, it’s an earthquake). Once we finally emerge out of the small alley way, to get outside in the street, we find everyone in a circle praying loud, and other people yelling out for their family. It’s now an hour or two since the earthquake happen, we don’t see my other cousin Stephanie, she’s in nursing school, start calling her phone nothing, no response. Everyone was contacting each other, my aunt calling my other family members, the phone line went down. Everyone I just stand there in a daze, not knowing what to do. Then someone coming from where school is, the only thing I hear was

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Oct 8
Dr Laura Clarke Dr Laura Clarke (Oct 08 2021 8:34AM) : I love that you are bringing in your native language here. It gives an authenticity to your narrative.
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Inivesite infimye UEH (Universite d’Ethat d’Haiti
lavil la tonbe plat.” (The university of UEH is completely gone) everything just stops as soon as I hear those words, my heart beating so fast in my chest.

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Oct 8
Dr Laura Clarke Dr Laura Clarke (Oct 08 2021 8:36AM) : Was your cousin Stephanie ok?
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Later that night I slept in this small Toyota along all the other children, in this large parking space, at night with the earthquake, the car feels like a boat when a big strong wave hits, rocking it side to side. The heat was unbearable with all of us scared, cramp in the small space, in this large parking space, at night with the earthquake, the car feels like a boat when a big strong wave hits, rocking side to side.

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Oct 4
Madison Torres Madison Torres (Oct 04 2021 10:36AM) : Adding some more details to this would be suitable. Did you eat anything? You stated details about how uncomfy the car was but repeated it in different ways. Try to elaborate on what happened in the car, was there any convo?
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Now I’m 18 years old, thinking about this day, it’s been 11 years since I survive this natural disaster, I learn to live in common with others, always helping and sharing with people that way if something happens to you, they will always lend you a hand when in need. Always led a good and do good deed, it will help in the future, you will thank yourself for every good you do for someone else.

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Oct 4
Madison Torres Madison Torres (Oct 04 2021 10:31AM) : I feel you should rephrase this sentence. Start it off with "It has been 11 years since I survived the natural disaster." Then state "i'm now 18 years old"

DMU Timestamp: September 30, 2021 11:22

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Oct 4
Lowkwong Filmore Lowkwong Filmore (Oct 04 2021 10:47AM) : I have to agree with Madison. I think instead of repeating the sentence, you should write different details about what happened inside your vehical
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