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Personal%20narrative%20
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Oct 4
mister hilmi alammari
mister hilmi alammari
:
I suggest that you should focus on making different paragraphs because I was unable to figure out which one is which.
Oct 4
mister hilmi alammari
mister hilmi alammari
:
Also, you need to only give hints in the first paragraph. you can start as "the day I felt like I almost lost my life" then continue with the experience you had.
Oct 4
Miss Ritza Servilus
Miss Ritza Servilus
:
suggestion: I would suggest you write out " at" the words instead of writing the abreviation "@'.
[Edited]
Oct 4
No whole image conversations.
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Oct 4
mister hilmi alammari
mister hilmi alammari
:
you also need to use descriptive language and imagery to make the reader feel like they are there with you.
Oct 4
Miss Ritza Servilus
Miss Ritza Servilus
:
I would suggest you to add more emotion like how you feel, what were you thinking in this exact moment.
Oct 4
No whole image conversations.
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General Document Comments 0
Oct 4
Miss Ritza Servilus
Miss Ritza Servilus
:
in the second page, I would suggest to add some coversation or add more imagery
Oct 4
Miss Ritza Servilus
Miss Ritza Servilus
:
suggestion: how were you feeling when he enter through that door, what were you thinking. how was he dress and what color they were if you remember ?
Oct 5
Dr Laura Clarke
Dr Laura Clarke
:
I agree with Ritza. You should add more description about how you felt and what you remember about the scene. At the moment, it sounds very factual. You need more description and imagery so that the reader feels like they're there with you.
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This is a very dramatic story which is great for a personal narrative. You need to break the narrative into paragraphs, and I think you need to spend more time conveying the resolution. What was the significance of this event? How did this event change you?
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