Consciousness
Consciousness
I had a dream, which was not all a dream.
I was in the waters where the wise things began
Bubbles rose from the deep, some inkling of life
I can feel the purpose swelling, its magnitude becoming all my mind.
The eyes open
And dream changes, as everything else, but not entirely so
Such is the dream
Darkness retreats, as if it were a gate, milky tropics that glow sweep underneath
It’s something beautiful, that I can see
Walking, strolling, steppin’ in the air and on earth, over and under these trees
This strange land could be my new home, and
Finally, I feel something I can’t quite get
There it was, emotional genesis.
I had a dream, but this dream was not mine.
Lords and ladies stand ‘round the valley
On an outcrop made of fossilized giants
Perhaps there was an ocean before them.
They stand speaking all of what is and what was
beautiful, like that I’ve seen,
powerful, as that I’ve felt.
Yet I cannot understand, the wind dulls their voice,
And none can stand in front of them but for the grand void they observe
Perhaps they’re daft.
Such is this dream, and I’ve learned nothing
The giants move again, and the dream is realized in falling
As he sun is comes around, can I understand if I cannot remember?
For this time, I was the Universe
Now I lay, my head’s as heavy as the earth.
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You start out this poem with such depth and gravity “in the waters where wise things began” that it really makes the reader interested in the message. I love the way it opens but as you get into it you’re poetic voice becomes a lot more colloquial especially here with “steppin’” I think you should try to keep the same gravity you started out with and let your voice define itself by its own magnitude because then your reader will definitely take the poem more seriously.
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I like the idea of recognizing, and reaching after, something only just unattainable.
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I love this line
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Here again is where your word choice seems to not exactly match the tone of you’re poem. I see that you’re trying to show us the ignorance of the people who see only this “grand void” but using a word like daft doesn’t carry a lot of weight to it.
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One thing I love about this poem is the line “can i understand if i do not remember” it leaves you wondering about life and trying to figure out things you may have never understood before
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I love this line. Its a great shift in the momentum, like waking up and not being able to remember what it was about and not being able to recover the meaning. Its like peeking in and understanding so much and then having all that knowledge taken away
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I really like this poem even though I didn’t understand all of the things written here. The fact that this is a dream landscape might have been rather hard to write about. I had to reread it two or three times, but I feel like it’s your intentions to leave the reader curious about what you have written.
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