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Her

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She had long golden curls, that sometimes shone silver in certain light, they bounced and softly coiled around her face. If one were to look hard enough they would notice that she always wore mismatched silver star and moon earrings. To me she felt like a celestial being, someone not from this world. Her lips were red as strawberries, her skin white as paper, almost translucent, and mostly looked like it glittered in the right lights. I felt as if she were frighteningly skinny, which only added to her beauty. The sharpness of her features were only accented by the brightness of her fierce green eyes that seemed to glow and the small rounded nose that softened her sharp face. Sometimes I would catch her dancing around the tallest tree on campus at the oddest of hours of night. She never noticed me watching her on those nights that she twisted in turned in what seemed like some graceful, well-practiced ritual prayer to some greater being.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:18AM) : Suggested Revision more Tags: wording

Suggested new wording:

She had long golden curls, that sometimes shone silver in certain light. They bounced and softly coiled around her face.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:19AM) : Suggested Revision more Tags: wording

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She never noticed me watching her on those nights that she twisted and turned in what seemed like some graceful, well-practiced ritual prayer to some greater being.

This particular night was different. Her motions were strained and less fluent, she seemed to be struggling like a salmon trying to swim up a waterfall. Cheeks rosy with effort, arms raised, time seemed to slow as she strived harder and harder to force the air she needed to fill her lungs. That’s when it happened, when I met her formally for the first time, her eyes locked on me before they closed and she fell backwards collapsing onto the soft luscious green grass. A roar of angry wind suddenly rose to a crescendo as I rushed to her frail side, taking notice that there was a ring of toadstools surrounding her boney body. “Are you ok?” I screamed as anxiety clawed at my throat. Rain started to drizzle tiny bullets on us as I shook her.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:21AM) : Dangling modifier more

As currently worded, “Cheeks rosy with effort, and arms raised” modify “time,” but they are meant to modify “she.”

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Nov 16
Keaton Dooley Keaton Dooley (Nov 16 2015 1:31PM) : love the "tiny bullet" comparison

Her eyes fluttered open to reveal a dull almost feverish glaze over them, only a haze of her usually vivid eyes. They then slowly drift shut. “Shit,” I muttered, running my long boney fingers, panicking, through my messy dripping hair making it stand up in every other direction. I wasn’t sure of what to do other than lift up her body and carry her to my dorm to rest up for the night. My hands moved shakily as I threw my jack over her shoulders as I wedged my hands gently under her waist and lifter her. Surprisingly she weighed less than I expected and I could feel every single bone in her spine clearly. Her white flowing dress that came to her knees clung to her wet skin showing me the outline of her ribs through the thin material. She really was deathly skinny.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:22AM) : Change in verb tense from past to present.
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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:23AM) : I would move "panicking" from this place to follow "muttered," just before "running."
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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:24AM) : Jacket? Also "lifted." [Edited]
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Biting my lip I threw away my alarm for a moment and started to walk on the slick cement path toward my dorm, up two flights of stairs and down two different, dark, silent hallways being careful with her porcelain body. I always left my room unlocked and I didn’t have a roommate. The boy that was supposed to be my roommate was unable to pay for the outrageous amount the college asked of him. So I laid her on the extra bed that I used for friends when they came over to play videogames and chat or whatever else they were over for. Her breathing was shallow, but steady, her chest barely moved and she hardly made any noise at all as the night went on. I had to constantly check to make sure she was ever real, or if this was just some twisted dream that haunted him throughout the rest of the night. It honestly did seem that she was just some illusion, not making a dent on the mattress where she laid. She just looked like some sort of mythical creature from some far off land.

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Nov 16
Keaton Dooley Keaton Dooley (Nov 16 2015 1:33PM) : ha... I can see how this part was drawn from personal life;)
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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:28AM) : Check this sentence for grammar.
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Morning sunlight streamed into the small dimly lit room arousing the girl from her deep sleep as if it was sort of true loves kiss from a prince. “Wh- where am I?” She spoke looking around at the bare walls of my room in confusion. “I’m really sorry, but you kind of passed out on campus last night and I just sort of um… brought you here?” I shrugged rubbing my dry eyes. I didn’t have any sleep last night because I had stayed up and watched her and made sure she didn’t need anything or just to make sure that she was real, I couldn’t really tell myself. “What do you mean passed out?” her voice quivered as she leaned forward and hugged her knees to her chest, her now stringy blond hair fell into her face and slid over her shoulders to pool into golden waves on my army green blanket.

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She looked as if she were a vunerable animal unsure as of what to do. As her vivid green eyes locked me, studying me as if I were some foreign object.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:31AM) : Sentence fragment.

“Did you see?” I could barely here what she asked.

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“See what?”

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“My wings?” her whisper caught me off guard. “I’m sorry, I think I misheard you. Did you say wings?” she bit her lip hard enough that I thought her perfect teeth were going to rip through her own flesh and make her small doll lips bleed. I ached for her to stop, to rub my thumb along her lower lip, to rub away her self inflected soreness.

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She responded to my question by jumping of my bed in the most graceful leap I had ever seen, without the smallest sound. Standing in front of me, hugging her own small waist somehow her own skin glittered in the morning sun. My eyes widened.

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“My glamor didn’t fall off.” She muttered, breathing a sigh of relief, her eyelids floating shut as her shoulders hunched forward and she spun around her long limbs stretched out as her hair seemed to wrap around her waist. Abruptly stopping she looked over at me her green eyes heated with happiness. “I will tell you this, human. I’m a faerie, not the kind you read about as a kid, when going to sleep. I also owe you a favor. We don’t like to be in any sort of debt. You did me a favor, but letting me sleep on your wooden bed” she said seriously without a hint of doubt in her eyes making me almost believe her until a small mischievous smile tugged at her lips, a grim twist of her mouth that sent a flood of dread running into my veins, making me shiver.

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“You’re lying.”

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“Well,” she simply shrugged, “That’s for you to decide.”

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What she was saying couldn’t possibly be true. Could it? She couldn’t be a faerie. They weren’t real. But then again that would explain her dancing around the tree as if she were praying to it, and that mysterious ring of toad stools. It would explain so much, but so little about her. I don’t understand this at all….

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“Hey, what’s your name?” she as hugging herself again.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:34AM) : was?
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“Gulliver. Yours?”

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“Alys,” she said tilting her head to her side as her eyes narrowed in an unearthly way, her hair taking on a more golden pigment from the dusty soft light spilling in from the blinds.

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“Alys? What kind of name is that?”

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“An ancient Celtic name, meaning noble.” She remarked without blinking. She was really graceful and just remarkably gorgeous.

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“How do you know I won’t tell other people that you’re a faerie?”

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“You’d seem crazy, why do you think I’ve kept it to myself? I only told you because I owe you a favor for you kindness.” As she said those words my heart fluttered in my chest as my cheeks reddened.

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A few days past after my first meeting of the entity that was Alys. We didn’t really speak that much to each other, she did give me that mischievous smile every once in a while when she caught me looking at her whenever I could catch a glimpse at her entrancing beauty.

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“You are totally into her,” My best friend once remarked. I simply ignored him, but he was correct, more so than I ever wanted to admit.

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This time I saw her at the library when I was checking out a stack of books on faerie lore, and a few other things mixed in.

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“Aw, that’s cute. You’re doing research on me,” She said, her cool breath tickling my neck as her long delicate arm stretched over to the pile and picked up the top book ‘The Original Folk and Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm: The Complete First Edition’ was the title of the thick blue bound book with silver stitching entwined on the leather jacket of the old dusty tomb. She clicked her tongue studying the cover with her massive green eyes.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:39AM) : leather binding ... tome. Book jackets are plastic covers and belong to twentieth century books. Most libraries discard them when preparing books for circulation.
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“Good choice,” she stated and danced around me doing some spins and small skips. I wasn’t really big into dancing or even too sure about what those moves were called, but the way she randomly moved like water make me just want to watch her dance all the time.

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“Tell me about your parents?”

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“I’m a changeling, meaning my fae parents whisked away a human child to the Seelie court. I’m most certain you learn many things that are in those books,” she said tapping the stack. “My human parents don’t really pay me any attention, I don’t blame them, I’m not their real daughter after all. Anyway my human father is a doctor and my human mother works in child protective services. Isn’t it a bit ironic? She couldn’t even save her own baby, yet she works so hard to save others.” She sighed and spun away from him, “Have fun with your readings.” She exited the library doing little hops and jumps as if she were an adorable bunny.

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She was right these books were nothing like the fairy tales I had grown up with, they were ever spelt different. Faeries. It’s weird to think about her delusions, but if she were a faerie, she wouldn’t be able to ride in a car, or touch anything with iron. Maybe that’s why she chose this school? It’s close to nature and kind of far away from the city’s chocking smog, it didn’t hurt that there wasn’t really any metal used in the buildings I guess. I’m starting to believe her more and more about her being a faerie, she’s just so darn other worldly.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:40AM) : Run-on sentence. [Edited]
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The next time I saw Alys was in the cafeteria picking at a small salad on her plate. The girl across from her was just yacking away and sometime urging her to take bigger bites. Alys never really took any bites other than at the lettuce and carrots, looking slightly disgusted when they touched her tongue. She really did try to continue to look composed but in the end she made a run for the bathroom. Her long legs quickly carrying her away from her plate of ‘human food’. I had read in one of the books that faerie’s couldn’t really handle human food, other than fruits and vegetables and even those had to be pure from any pesticides and such.

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I couldn’t really help myself, I followed her to the girls bathroom and cracked opened the door so she could hear me, “You ok Alys?” The only answer I received was a retching sound followed by choked coughing. I could hear her breathing hard.

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“Don’t worry about me, I can’t really eat human food.” Her sweet voice called softly from the stall she was hiding in.

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I tilted my head to the side, “If you’d like I can go to an organic grocery store and pick up-“

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“DON’T YOU DARE!” she roared in the most ferocious voice she could manage, “I mean… I already owe you for taking care of me when I collapsed that one night,” she said much more softer.

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“You don’t owe me anything.”

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“You say that, but I do, an eye for an eye. I can’t be in your debt anymore.” She said point blank.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:44AM) : "Eye for an eye" is typically punitive, about retaliation not reward.
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When did something so unrealistic start to be the only realistic option to believe? I just don’t know what to think anymore. I wish I had more proof than her word, than her mannerisms, than the weird things that happened and that she did. Today I saw her pull the most clever and dangerous prink I had ever witnessed without hurting anyone on campus. She had such a sharp mischievous glint in those gorgeous green eyes of hers.

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“Why did you do something so dangerous!?” I couldn’t help but shout at her.

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“No one was going to get hurt.” She said confidently.

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“Tell me something Alys?” We had started to sit together at dinner so she could just watch me eat. “Hmmmm?” she hummed without opening her mouth.

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“Tell me anything, something I don’t know.”

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“Ok. I have five general rules: Death before dishonor, love conquers all, beauty is life, and never forget a debt. If you ever happen upon another Seelie faerie, they live by these rules, and they are also rather found of humans. However, Unseelie fae are the opposite of us. They like a lot of blood and horror and stuff.” She said looking at my plate licking her lips.

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“Are you hungry?”

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“I can manage.”

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“Gulliver!” I swiveled around to see Alys floating toward me her small body just gliding through the throng of people to get to me as her hair created a river of gold behind her.

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“The winter solstice is three weeks from now!” she said excitedly, skipping beside me. I looked down at her. She had been keeping count of how many weeks until this event.

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“But what does this matter to you? You’re not Unseelie, are you?” I questioned her.

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“I’ve always wanted to see the solitary fae give their tithe.” She said softly under her breath hiding her flushed cheeks under her scarlet scarf that she had tied tangled around her long slender neck, leaving only a small elegant flash the skin that was pulled tightly over her small, elegant collar bone.

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:46AM) : Note the repetition of "small elegant."

“Why don’t you go see it?” I asked my breath slipping from my mouth and into the moody sky.

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“It’s absolutely forbidden,” she whispered, her eyes bulged, darting around the frosty campus, from her sunken sharp cheeks. I stopped and looked her up and down. Her ribs could clearly be seen through her tight shirt, her hip bones protruding just above the waist line of her jeans. I bit at my lip as I observed her gaunt face, “Have you lost weight?” I asked her my voice straining in concern. She shook her head, “No, winter is just a hard time of the year for a summer faerie like myself,” she spoke confidently and ended the conversation as she skipped on the frozen side walk spinning easily in the most graceful twists of her body.

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“There is something wrong with her.” My best friend told me as he watched her sleeping on the frozen dew covered grass.

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“What do you mean?” I asked.

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“Dude, she doesn’t eat.” He stated. I wanted to defend her, but I couldn’t think of any way to do so without revealing her secret.

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“She does,” was all I could manage.

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“She needs help.”

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She was dancing again, her long wavy hair following her every move like some ocean of silver light from the way the full moon shown on it. It was about two am tonight, she was in a strapless white dress that looked like a bell as she spun around and around her laughter sounding like beautiful chimes.

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“Alys?” I asked as watched her on the dew soaked grass.

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“What?” she stopped her dancing and looked at me.

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“Why do you dance?”

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“I don’t really know… I just like to,” she said biting her lip.

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“Have you ever thought to do it professionally?”

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“Yes, My human mother has signed me up for all sorts of dancing classes, they won’t let me attend any more classes, because I weigh less than ninety pounds.”

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“Why do you weigh so little?”

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“Well, faeries, don’t weigh much, and for dancing, the less you weigh the higher you go, the faster you spin. The less you weigh the closer you are to flying,” She said with a desire in her eyes, “I actually weigh too much now, I’m too fat to fly.” She said to my disdain.

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“You’re anything, but fat, you really should work on gaining weight!”

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“You’re wrong. I’m not human, don’t hold me to your standards.” Her remark ended my argument so she started to dance more. She was right, the less she weighed the higher she went. At one point I even thought she could fly.

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“Are you Gulliver?” asked an old woman who sat near the Dean’s desk. I had been summoned to his office to discuss some ‘urgent’ matter on the last day of the semester. I had been packing up ready to drive a few hours to go home when I received a phone call telling me to go the Dean’s office.

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“Yes Ma’am?” I asked studying her. She was thin and had the same eyes as Alys, although they didn’t glow nearly as bright. Her cheeks were red and chubby and she had quite a bit of meat on her bones.

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“Hello,” she stood up offering her hand to me and I took, and shook it firmly. They were warm, unlike Aly’s, “I’m Alys’s mother. She talks so much about you and I wanted to tell you a few things about that child.” She said. ‘that child’ resounding a little harshly around the room.

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“As you probably know, she has a, goodness, how do I put this? Problem.” She stated in a emotionally detached voice, “She’s delusional with an eating disorder.”

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“What are you talking about? Alys is perfectly healthy.”

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“God,” The older woman scoffed, “You’re just as delusional as her.” She then bit her lower lip that was painted red. “My child doesn’t eat Gulliver, all she does is dance and live in a world of make believe.” She sighed laying her forehead on the Dean’s desk and then sat up suddenly, a few wisps of golden hair falling loose from her tight bun. “She has some mental problems, and I want to help her. I think making her get professional help is what’s best for her.”

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“What do you mean by professional help?”

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“Like doctors who know what they are dealing with, me and her father have been trying to take care of her, and she’s just not getting better at all. We have really tried our best to help her, but this seems like the only way to get her healthy.”

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Nov 15
Dr. Michael Pickard Dr. Michael Pickard (Nov 15 2015 5:51AM) : Unsure why the mother is telling Gulliver all this. It seems like these problems have gone on for a long time. Why would her parents, feeling this way, let her go to college?

“Where is Alys now?”

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“Don’t you know? Last night she had a heart attack and collapsed outside of her dorm. She was found early this morning.”

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“She had a heart attack?”

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“Yes.”

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I couldn’t process her words fast enough. How did she, a magical being have a heart attack.

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“Oh honey, you didn’t know! Goodness. This must be a shock for you.”

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“What?” I choked out after a few long time of silence as the woman just looked at me.

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“Her condition is rather critical. The doctors have put her in the teen mental ward, where she will be surrounded with teens recovering from all sort of aliments like herself.”

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“But she needs to dance.”

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“She will be able to dance again one day. I’ll send her to a preforming arts school once she gets better. She’s a marvelous ballerina, almost like she’s a fairy herself.”

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“It’ll kill her!”

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“Don’t say that! She will get better.”

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I broke down. I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore. How could her mother be so heartless about the child she had raised? It was almost as if she wanted to kill her. Sending her to a place full of iron. It wasn’t fair to Alys at all.

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The next semester came and Alys had not been enrolled in classes. When I passed by the tree at odd hours it was weird to not see her dancing around her sacred tree. I honestly didn’t know what to do. She had been an obsession of mine. That was normal though, humans tend to obsess over the beauty of faeries. It was almost tragic in a sense that they had no control of their longing to capture faeries perfectly in their paintings, but they never could.

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Alys became a mere fleeting thought after that. I had no will to see her, to find out if she had lied to me and was truly human, or really dead. I never spoke about her to anyone and my life became normal again.

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DMU Timestamp: October 27, 2015 10:51

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Nov 15
Leah Whitcomb Leah Whitcomb (Nov 15 2015 8:23AM) : Nice story!! more

I’m very concerned for this narrator. He picks up a random girl and brings her back to his room then follows her around. He seems a bit creepy to me. This is a very nice story. I was intrigued throughout it and hearing from the mother made a lot more sense as to why Alys would rarely eat or throw up when she did eat.

As for editing and revision, I feel like reading through this again will allow you to pick up on misspelling errors and maybe help you clarify parts that are a bit ambiguous. I would look at Dr. Pickard’s comments cause he picked up on all of this. Other than that, this is a solid short story. Good job!!

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Nov 16
Jenna Gibson Jenna Gibson (Nov 16 2015 4:42AM) : good job more

I like how you incorporated the mother into the ending of this. It helped clarify my assumptions. I agree with Leah on the concern for the narrator; he is almost creepily obsessive. And I agree with Dr. Pickard on the small grammar fixes. But, overall, I really liked it! Good job.

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Nov 16
Bre Gatewood Bre Gatewood (Nov 16 2015 10:43AM) : Interesting Piece more

Agreeing with Jenna and Leah, this story is very interesting and weird at the same time. Having the mother speak does bring clarity but overall good job.

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Nov 16
Keaton Dooley Keaton Dooley (Nov 16 2015 1:48PM) : ! more

I agree with Leah, Jenna, and Bre. Some parts are confusing, but with a little revision, it’ll be easily fixed! The story is very different from most stories that I’ve read, but I really like it! Very nice

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